Three Little Words

There is nothing I’ll avoid, from Janet Frame to Sigmund Freud
from Alastair Maclean to Aristotle….but
when I read, there are three little words guaranteed
to send me in search of a bottle

It’s not that I’m scared of commitment, or prone to emotional stress
its not that I’m lazy or backward, my psychological
state is no worse than the rest

Cos i’ve had lots of counseling sessions, done tai chi and yoga and zen
I’ve adopted techniques from pre-Socratic Greeks
and I’ve done tantric sex that just dragged on for weeks

and I’ve seen maharishis and mystics , with psychics and sikhs I’ve conspired
but there’s no relief I still shake like a leaf
despite all the skills I’ve acquired
when I hear those three little words, Some assembly required

Well I’m not really sure where it started, this phobia complex and dire
but something begat this condition, was it that
crystal radio set or the Airfix Spitfire

BBQs, trampolines and wheelbarrows, the construction of all, I abhor
I finish triumphant, then to my discomfort
there’s a big pile of leftover parts on the floor

Of course it’s the fault of my father, from whom no handyman skills I acquired
though my penchant for words was enhanced when I heard, how his language become so inspired
confronted by three little words, Some assembly required.

Bring out the toolbox, break out the gin, and prepare the Elastoplast band aids
send the children away , for the rest of the day,
leave Daddy alone, it’s just safer that way

It was that kitset TV cabinet did it, it just stood there askew and forlorn
with the doors upside down and the corners all chipped
and the hole in the side where my screwdriver slipped

I’ve a temperament mild and good-natured, for which I’m quite sure I’m admired
but to flatpak that munchkin who translates instructions is something that I’ve long desired
and to Hell with those three little words, Some assembly required

well I smashed all the tools and I drank all the gin
I told you we should have just got a man in
I’m drunk and I’m sore and I’m tired
I’ve had enough of those three little words
Some assembly required